Has your spouse told you lately that one of your habits has become annoying or offensive? Have you had heated words over this issue? Have you recently heard these words, Why do you have to do _____ or say _____? Do you realize the importance of your personal habits in maintaining harmony in your marriage? Or, do you consider these behaviors as something your spouse must accept without comment or opinion? The longer you are embroiled in conflict over distasteful habits the greater potential you have for diminished companionship. If you fail to acknowledge that your habits are irritating and resist making the necessary changes the consequences for your marriage can be drastic.

The effects of your offensive habits are usually not understood until you see your spouse becoming hardened, resentful, or threatening divorce. If your mate is exhibiting these destructive attitudes or making these comments, you should seriously consider examining your behavior.

What Is A habit?

A habit is any behavior that you practice without really thinking about it. Habitual behaviors can be beneficial and liberating to you because of your ability to perform these tasks without having to consciously think about your every action. Habits can also be very destructive and lead you into arguments because your words or actions are offensive to your spouse. When a behavior is practiced, day after day, you will naturally train yourself to form habits. As you regularly perform this habit you become skilled at your behavior. It becomes easy and comfortable for you to take this action over and over again. Ultimately, you begin performing this action automatically. This action has now become your routine behavior. Let me give you some examples of some everyday habits.

Each day you get up in the morning and unconsciously do many things by habit. You don’t think anymore about how to get dressed, tie your shoes, or how to brush your teeth; you do these things by habit. You then walk out the door and get into your car and drive to work or school unconsciously performing a multitude of complex tasks. However, the first time you drove a car you needed to think about every action you performed, and some tasks required instruction so that you could become skilled at driving.

In a similar way, the Bible teaches that you train yourself in sinful or godly behaviors. Peter explained that there were those in his day who were attempting to lead believers astray. They did this because they were individuals whose hearts had been "trained in covetous practices" (2 Peter 2:14). The word trained means to exercise yourself through a regular and consistent effort. This same word is also used by Paul in reference to exercising yourselves to godly behavior. He implores Timothy: "Exercise yourself toward godliness" (1 Tim. 4:7).

How do you exercise yourself to godliness? Throughout this article you will understand that the habit of godliness is made by your daily decisions to practice righteousness instead of iniquity (Matt. 7:23). As you choose righteousness, you are training yourself to godliness and thus forming new habits.

Why Are Bad Habits So Hard To Change?

Many people have asked me, Why is it so hard to change my habits? There is no single answer to this question, but Scripture does give you clear guidance as to where you should begin. Consider the following hindrances as you attempt to understand why you struggle to change.

1. I don’t believe it’s a problem. Bad habits are very difficult to change because you may not think that your habit is really that bad. Consequently, you won’t see the need for change. But, remember that God declared: "Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the hearts" (Prov. 21:2). Ask the Lord to examine your heart over your behavior and help you to see your actions from His perspective. Would He behave toward His sons and daughters as you do? Be honest with yourself and consider how your behavior affects your spouse.

2. I don’t want to change. Furthermore, bad habits are hard to change because we are basically selfish by nature. Therefore, even though you may agree that your habits are offensive to your mate, selfishness keeps you from making any significant change that will rectify the problem. Paul emphasized this fundamental cause of conflict in his letter to the Philippian Church. He exhorted, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself" (Phil. 2:3).

Therefore, determine if the lack of change is because you simply don’t want to try. Is selfishness reigning in your heart? Are you thinking, Why am I the one that needs to change? Obviously, this attitude is exactly what needs to change!

3. I’m trying but failing. You may see the need to change and possess a strong desire to modify your behavior, but another power is at work inside you that frustrates your success. This struggle is with your sinful nature. Paul experienced this same battle and explained it this way: "I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members" (Rom. 7:22-23). Do you understand that you are struggling with this other law that is working in your members? Do you desire to do good but find this other power inside you seeking to captivate with selfish desires?

Your only solution to this struggle is explained by Paul in the very next chapter, Romans eight. He explained that you must allow an even greater power to rule in your life, the Law of the Spirit. The Holy Spirit must be allowed to rule in you, which sets you free from the power of your sinful nature (Rom. 8:2). Paul explained the simplicity of this truth to the Galatian Church: "Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish" (Gal. 5:16-17). Are you experiencing this walk in the Spirit that Paul described here? Remember, God would not promise this freedom from the power of your flesh and then not deliver. Ask Him today to come and fill you with His Holy Spirit and set you free from the power of sin. If you would like further help on how to live in the freedom God promises, please go to www.calvaryag.org and print out the studies on Romans 6-8 at the Bible Studies / New Testament icons.

4. I give up. Many people give up in the midst of the changing process. Why would someone do this? Look at it this way. With every habit in your life, you have become skilled at performing it, the behavior is automatic, you don’t consciously think about how to do it, and you are very comfortable doing this behavior. Therefore, when you attempt to change any habitual behavior you will have the exact opposite experience. With the new godly behavior you won’t be skilled at it for a long time, which means that you won’t perform it automatically. This also means that you'll have to consciously think about what and how to perform this new behavior, which will make it very uncomfortable until you’ve formed the new habit. Is this the reason you’ve given up and returned to your old ways? Is it just too uncomfortable to change? Is it simply easier to do what you already know? If it is, you must ask God to give you the perseverance and discipline to make permanent changes.

How Can You Break Your Bad Habits?

In reality you can’t break a bad habit, you must replace the habit with a new behavior. Paul explained this process of change when he addressed the Ephesian Church. He taught them: "Put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and… put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:22-24). Notice that he encouraged them to put off one behavior by putting on a new one as they were spiritually renewed. Paul illustrated what he meant by his instruction to put off and put on in the verses that followed. He encouraged them to put off lying by speaking the truth. They were to put off stealing by working and learning to give. Bitterness and wrath were to be put off by putting on kindness and forgiveness. This is how to replace a habit!

Now, let’s apply these biblical truths and put them into practice. I want you to think of a specific habit that has caused several conflicts in your marriage. Apply the following steps:

1. Is it sinful? First, determine if the habit in question is contrary to any of God’s direct commands. Examples of such habits would be: explosive anger, harsh and critical words, defrauding your mate sexually, or physical abuse. Will you acknowledge that this behavior is sinful and wrong? If so, you know exactly what you should do. Ask God’s forgiveness and reconcile your relationship with Him. Next, turn and seek your mate’s forgiveness. These would be obvious steps to begin changing your behavior.

2. Is it loving? If the habit in question is not a direct violation of God’s commands, ask yourself if your behavior is at the very least offensive to your mate? If you agree that it is, apply this command: "Give no offense either to the Jews or to the Greeks or to the church of God" (1 Cor. 10:32). Why must you repent of offensive behavior? Paul explained that to behave offensively toward your brother means that you are not walking in love. In the following verses Paul addresses the offensive eating habits of different believers who struggled with certain foods and whether or not they were acceptable to eat. Paul also taught that the practice of eating these foods in front of those who considered it unacceptable behavior was offensive. "If your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love" (Rom. 14:15). Instead he taught them: "Let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another" (Rom. 14:19).

Are you attempting to lovingly build up your spouse by not practicing this habit? If not, you must acknowledge your behavior as offensive to your spouse and ask his or her forgiveness.

3. What’s the Biblical alternative? Next, determine what the Bible teaches should be the alternative habit that He wants to form in you. Ask God for His grace and power to obey it. Obedience to God’s Word is the only means for building your personal life and for building your home. Jesus said, this is what a truly wise man will do. "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock" (Matt. 7:24).

Specific Habits That Must Change.

Now I’d like to get even more specific about some of the most destructive habits that couples regularly speak to me about. The following may not be one of your bad habits, but take these examples and apply God’s Word to your individual issues.

1. Harsh words. James declared that our tongue is a small but an incredibly unruly member that gets us into a lot of trouble (James 3:2-11). If you can control your tongue it is proof that you are a mature believer. Maturity is absolutely necessary when it comes to the way you talk to your spouse. I’m amazed at how people can be so careful not to offend or be harsh with those they work with, and then turn around and unleash a barrage of devastating verbal blows on the people in their own homes. These are the people you love the most, and yet you don’t seem to care enough about them to restrain your tongue. This ought not to be. Scripture is so clear: "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers … Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph. 4:29-32).

Are you convicted that your speech toward your spouse is offensive and sinful? Can you identify how you could be more loving in your communication? If you can, replace your harsh and unloving words with kind ones. Ask God to rule and reign in you by the power of His Spirit and allow Him to control your tongue. As you cease from these ungodly speech patterns you will sense your relationship being built up and edified. Make kind and loving speech the habit of your life. See also our Covenant Keepers publication entitled: Developing Effective Communication.

2. Prayerlessness. The vast majority of Christian couples struggle with their prayer life personally and in their marriage. Most individuals tell me that they can pray with people at church or with those at work, but for some reason they don’t pray with their spouse or children. The habit of failing to pray with your mate will destroy your sense of spiritual closeness and companionship. Usually this failure to pray is not an issue of willingness or not knowing how to pray, but simply a habit of laziness that has been formed over the years.

What does the Bible teach about praying with your spouse? It’s interesting that the only passage relating to this subject assumes that you do pray with your mate. Peter taught: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). Peter was concerned that the lack of honor and understanding would hinder a married couple’s prayer life. Therefore, Scripture takes for granted that two married believers would naturally pray together.

How can you change this habit? Acknowledge your laziness and independence and ask God for the motivation to change. Discuss with your spouse several possible times when you could devote a few minutes a day asking for God’s help and power. Replace the habit of prayerlessness with a regular time together. See also our Covenant Keepers publication entitled, How Prayer Builds Your Marriage.

3. Little or no recreation time. Little time together is usually not the habit of most couples when they first begin to date or when they are newly married. At the beginning of your marriage you saw the need to spend this time together. However, today you don’t seem to see the same need. Many declare to me, We can’t find the time to just relax or do the thing we enjoy together. Again, this is just a bad habit that you’ve formed over time.

Is rest and recreation time that important? Look at the example of Christ. Jesus took time to rest and to be alone with His disciples even though he had a very limited time here on earth. Mark records what Jesus said to His disciples one day: "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while" (Mark 6:31). He explained that they needed to rest because of the enormous amount of people coming and going. They didn’t even have time to eat. It sounds like they had a very hectic schedule. Do you have one of these types of schedules? How can you change it?

Start by realizing that you won’t ever find the time for recreation and rest together, you must make the time. This means scheduling time off to be together. If you don’t set these times aside, you’ll never do it or you’ll do it irregularly. Don’t wait until it’s a source of conflict before you attempt to change this habit.

Another primary reason you need this time with each other is so you can promote friendship. One very important observation I’ve made over the years is that friends always do fun things together. Remember, recreation with one another will always encourage the development of the friendship in your marriage. Therefore, replace the habit of little time together with weekly scheduled times during the day or in the evenings. Plan fun outings to take walks, play tennis, have lunch or dinner without the children, and at other times take the whole family out. Plan some nights to just be home together.

4. Not resolving conflicts. One of the most common destructive habits couples can fall into is not resolving conflicts. Most people think that the problems they struggle with will somehow just take care of themselves. This is not the case! In fact, it is so much easier to work out the issues rather than paying the price of a distant relationship. If you allow unresolved issues to accumulate in your marriage you will suffer the loss of intimacy, experience little friendship, and your companionship will eventually become non-existent. If you don’t want your relationship to deteriorate in this manner, make the necessary changes. How?

Replacing this habit of not resolving conflicts by recognizing that God’s Word commands you to reconcile with anyone you are estranged from. Consider what Jesus taught: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone" (Matt. 18:15). "If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23-24). In other words, Jesus made it very clear that resolving a conflict with your brother was more important to Him than you coming to offer your gifts in worship. This concept applies to the relationship with your spouse as well.

If you will heed His Word, humble yourself now and obey the command to go and seek reconciliation. Confess your fault first to your mate. Don’t point out his or her faults; come clean about your own. Ask forgiveness and pray together for God’s power to discipline yourselves to take these steps each time there is a conflict (James 5:16). See also our Covenant Keepers publication entitled, How To Resolve Conflicts In A Biblical Way.

5. Anything that is rude, irritating, or insensitive. This covers all the rest of your offensive behaviors. All of us have irritating habits that we need to change. If you will apply the above principles to any behavior that aggravates your spouse you will take a giant step forward in your relationship. Making concessions and sacrificing your desires will prove the love that you profess. This is what it means to love (Rom. 14:14-19).

As you take these steps of love it will motivate your spouse to make the changes he or she needs to as well. Remember the Golden Rule and apply it to your marriage: "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them" (Matt. 7:12). Whatever you want, you must first give!

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