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How To Deal With Anger PDF Print E-mail
I. You must first understand anger from a biblical perspective.

Anger is a normal emotion experienced by all people at various times in life. Some believe anger is always a destructive emotion, while others believe it can be used in a constructive way. Which is true? Is it possible to control anger, and if so how? When you don't control your anger, how can you resolve it?

A. Is anger always wrong or sinful?

1. No, because Paul commands us to "be angry and sin not" (Eph. 4:26). This passage clearly makes a distinction between being angry and sinning. Actually, Paul is commanding us to be angry, thus revealing the fact that anger can be used in the life of a Christian without the necessity of falling into sin.

The Bible also teaches that "God is angry with the wicked everyday" (Psalms 7:11). Jesus also spoke to the religious legalists "...with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts..." (Mark 3:5). In I Samuel 11:6, we also see that the fruit of the Holy Spirit coming upon Saul caused "his anger to be greatly aroused", which then motivated him to do God's work.

2. Therefore, anger is an emotion that can be used in a constructive way if it is expressed in harmony with biblical limitations and principles. The problem is that many times anger is not expressed in a biblical way and results in great conflict between people.

B. How is anger expressed destructively?

1. Anger is very destructive if you allow yourself to blow up and vent your anger upon another person. Some people call this "letting off steam", when in reality, it is the sinful use of anger and wrath to destroy or manipulate another person. The Scripture declares, "The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). David commands, "cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret, it only causes harm" (Psalms 37:8). Solomon also declares, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back" (Prov. 29:11). The use of anger in this manner is clearly a violation of God's commands, which ultimately hinders effective communication and relationship with others.

2. A second way anger is used destructively is to internalize or bury your anger inside. This action is just as wrong as blowing up and venting your anger. Paul taught in Ephesians 4:27, "do not let the sun go down on your anger." This passage commands you not to allow your anger to boil within your heart even for one night. God wants you to deal with your anger and what is causing it, quickly, even before you go to sleep tonight. This is what God was trying to get Cain to do when he asked him, "Why are you angry" (Gen. 4:6)? God knew that Cain was very angry and wanted him to identify its cause in order to help him resolve it. Without taking this action, sin would ultimately control him and cause an inevitable blow up.

3. If your anger has caused you to sin, seek God's forgiveness and the person's you have offended by your anger. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). If you are holding in anger and resentment, identify why you are angry and then take the appropriate biblical action.

C. How is anger expressed constructively?

1. The only way anger can be expressed constructively is it must be restrained and controlled. Is this possible? Solomon declares, "It is prudent for a man to restrain his anger (Prov. 19:11, Berkeley Version). "He who is slow to anger is of great understanding, but whoever is hasty of spirit exalts folly" (Prov. 14:29, Berkeley Version).Scripture makes it clear that anger can and must be restrained and controlled

D. How can you restrain and control your anger?

1. First, you must make a choice to control anger. Is this possible? Have you ever been arguing with someone at home and the phone rings? What did you do? Didn't you choose to control your anger simply by making a choice to answer the phone and speak calmly to the caller? Paul says, "do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts" (Rom. 6:12) This is a choice. You can also make the same choice not to allow your anger to reign in your heart. How many times, before you were a Christian, did a conflict occur at work with your boss. He or she said or did something to make you angry. But, you chose to control your anger and say nothing simply because you wanted to keep your job? This proves that even as a non-Christian you could choose to control your anger. How much more today should you as a Christian be able to restrain it? Today you have the restraining power of the Holy Spirit to help you.

2. Choose to surrender to the Holy Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control. He enables you to do all that I am about to explain in these next pages. You need the "living water" of His Spirit to quench the fire of your anger (John 7:37-39). God's Holy Spirit is stronger than your anger. This is why Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). He will strengthen you to control your anger. If you will simply ask the Spirit of God to come and reign in you.

3. Choose to deal with the small issues before they build into resentment. Many times the failure to resolve small offenses with a person will ultimately lead you to those volcanic eruptions of anger and rage. Moses is one of the best examples of allowing multiple issues to frustrate and anger him to the point of this kind of explosion. Scripture reveals that he suffered the people and their contradictions year after year until finally he lost his temper. Moses became angry and "spoke rashly with his lips" (Ps. 106:32-33). The simple solution to this problem of building resentment was given by Jesus when He taught us to deal quickly with a conflict(Matt. 5:25). Paul also taught that we should not allow the sun to go down on your wrath (Eph. 4:26).

4. Choose to control and restrain your words. Solomon says, "a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1). Harsh words stir up whomever you are speaking to, but it also stirs up your anger if you keep talking. Therefore, if you want to control your anger, "be swift to hear, slow to speak", and you will be, 'slow to wrath." (James 1:19) In other words, stop talking and listen more, this helps you to calm down and reason more clearly. If you will allow them to, harsh words will stir you up too.

5. Choose to control and restrain your thoughts. When you allow angry and resentful thoughts and accusations to rule and control your mind, you will continue to boil inside. You need the peace of God to rule your heart and mind which enables you to think clearly and constructively as to a biblical course of action and solution to the problem. To accomplish this, you must first understand why you are angry. God asked Cain, Why are you angry?" (Gen.4:6). He asked this question before Cain killed his brother Abel in the attempt to help him resolve his rage. Therefore, determine are you angry at God, people, or yourself? Then you must re-think the issue biblically from God's perspective which will naturally enable you to control your anger. Solomon explained that " the discretion(wisdom or understanding)of a man makes him slow to anger, and it is to his glory to overlook a transgression (Prov.19:11).God's wisdom and discretion will help you to think and act in an appropriate manner. to resolve why you are angry before you take an inappropriate action as Cain did. In addition, God's wisdom will bring peace as you choose to refuse the hateful and revengeful thoughts of bitterness. You must acknowledge these thoughts as sinful before God and ask His forgiveness. Paul promised that if you will meditate on "things that are true, things that are just... The God of peace will be with you" (Phil. 4:8-9).

6. Choose to control and restrain your actions. Take a short time out when you realize that you, or the other party in the conversation, are beginning to get out of control. Solomon said, "It is honorable to a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel" (Prov. 20:3). He also commanded in Proverbs 17:14, "Stop contention before a quarrel starts." Taking a time out will allow you and others to pray and get under control before a blow up occurs. This will entail walking away from the confrontation before you explode. Even Jesus walked away from the emotionally charged moment when the Jews wanted to throw Him off a cliff (Luke 4:28-30).

Don't grab, push, or have any physical contact with a person you are angry with or that you know is angry with you. If you try to force someone physically to do what you want, this will only increase their anger and resistance.

E. What should anger motivate you to do?

1. To see anger used in a constructive way it should always motivate you to a biblical and godly action. This is why God created you with the ability to get angry. He wanted this powerful emotion to encourage you to do what is right when there is a problem to be solved.

2. First, look at others in the Bible were motivated to godly action by anger. You should follow these examples.

a. Moses was led to pray for the people because of his anger (Num. 16:15).

b. Saul was motivated to resist the evil of another nation because of his anger (I Sam. 11:6).

c. Nehemiah was led to rebuke the rulers of the people for their sin (Neh. 5:6-7). He did this in a controlled way.

e. David was drawn to prayer and meditation. He trusted God and did what was righteous (Ps. 4:3-5).

f. Jesus resisted the peer pressure of the Pharisees to speak boldly and healed a man on the Sabbath. This of course, was right thing to do (Mark 3:5).

F. How does someone reconcile his or her anger toward God?

1. Anger toward God occurs when we question His character or His love. We begin to wonder why God allowed this to happen. Did He really do the righteous thing?

2. This is what caught Adam in the Garden. He charged God with being at fault for giving him the woman who led him to sin. He said, "...the woman You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate" (Gen. 3:12).

3. How do you deal with this anger?

a. You must reject outright even the thought that God is unrighteous. In Romans 9:14, Paul says "God forbid" to this question of God doing unrighteousness. The words "God forbid" literally mean "perish the thought". Paul refused even the thought that God was unrighteous.

    b. Why should you reject even the thought that God would do unrighteousness?

1. Because He has proven His love for you by dying on the cross (Rom. 8:32). If He has given His own Son for your sin, how could you think He doesn't care about you?

2. Because, like Habakkuk in the Old Testament, God can do things you have no way of comprehending. God told him that he just had to trust Him (Hab. 1:1-5) (Hab. 2:4). God's ways and His timing are not always going to be in harmony with ours.

3. Because God's ways aren't like your ways, and His thoughts are different than yours. Read these passages: (Isaiah 55:8-9) (Psalms 147:3-5) (Psalms 73).

G. How does someone reconcile his or her anger toward people?

1. In minor issues you should pass over the transgression. Many times people have no intention of purposely offending you (Prov. 19:11).

2. But, if it is clear someone intended to offend you, or if you know that someone is angry with you, you must go to them alone and reconcile. "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Matt. 18:15). "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23-24). You need to personally reconcile these issues.

3. All through the process your anger must be restrained and controlled. The reason for this is; "the wrath of man never works the righteousness of God" (James 1:20).

H. How do you reconcile anger that is turned in toward yourself?

1. If you have dealt with your sin in the correct way: (repentance, confession, and forsaking the sin), then you must rest in God's knowledge. John says, "if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and knows all things" (1 John 3:20). What does He know? He knows that you have sincerely repented and forsaken this sin. He knows your the sincerity of heart in its desire to reconcile before God and man. Stand on the Word of God on this issue, not your feelings.

2. Then take any action required in God's Word that will seek to rectify the problem. This will cause your conscience to approve your actions as you attempt to reconcile any sin or failure (1 John 3:18-19) (Rom. 2:15). Taking the biblical action required is essential to quiet the accusations of your conscience.

3.. Once you have taken the above action, you must rest in the sovereignty of God to work even your mistakes and failures for good. Joseph encouraged his brothers not to be angry with themselves because God had turned all their evil around for good (Gen. 45:5). Believe that God will do the same in your life.

Revised 2/98

This study was written by Pastor Steve Carr, Calvary Chapel, Arroyo Grande, CA. If we can be of any further assistance please contact us at www.calvaryag.org or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or (805) 481-2320.